It is easy to love your spouse when everything is going well. But……..
The real hard truth is!
Even the most compatible love-struck, in sink married couples have disagreements, arguments, fights, quarrels, conflicts or spats.
As a matter of fact, the longer you are married the greater the chances are that you and your spouse will have a disagreement, argument, fight, quarrel, conflict or spat or as my husband and I would say heated debate.
There is nothing wrong with that, in fact, It is a very healthy and normal part of being married.
WHAT!! YOU DONT SAY!!!!
Yes, it is. Unfortunately often times when we get into these disagreement, argument, fight, quarrel, conflict, or spat with our spouse we become defensive and standoffish and begin to look at our spouse from an adversarial lense.
Generally, this defensive approach only aggravates the situation, which causes both parties to feel wronged, disrespected, hurt and offended.
So how do you prevent that from happening?
well….I’m glad you asked.
1: Learn how to communicate effectively
Yes, I know the last thing you want to do during or after a disagreement, argument, fight, quarrel, conflict or spat with your spouse is to keep the windows of communication open.
In your mind, because you feel hurt disrespected, offended, or sometimes even dismissed. If you are an introvert your first reactions or response is usually to retreat and protect, so you shut down and raise the iron gate and 5 layers of walls around it.
If you are an extravert your first reaction is usually to defeat and destroy so you retaliate by saying and doing things that are spiteful to hurt the other person. This can create a very volatile situation if you are not able to communicate effectively with your spouse
So how do you get past this?
In order to communicate effectively, you can not let your anger, frustration or discontent get the best of you. Often times we get in quarrels with our spouse and refuse to let go of a point because we feel like our thoughts, opinions, and feeling are justifiably more relevant than our spouses.
However, that’s not the case.
The truth is It takes more effort and deliberate intent to forgive your spouse, and to try and understand where your spouse is coming from, and why they have the opinions they do than it is to argue them down. Be deliberate about how you communicate.
How?
2. Purposefully and deliberately listen
When you purposefully and deliberately listen with the intent of hearing the heart of your spouse often times you will find that there is an underlying experience that are the root causes for the position your spouse is taking in an argument that is not being verbalized, and in order to get to the bottom line, you have to get to the core of that issue by.
3.Creating an atmosphere of peace
Make an effort to always try to create peace instead of fighting to have the last word. Choose tolerance and compassion over intolerance and animosity.
Be honest in love learn what is offensive to your spouse or what their triggers are and learn to approach them with issues or concerns at the right time and with the right love language. Always remember that ”Gentle words turn away wrath, but hard words stir up anger”(proverbs 15”:1). Commit to not becoming offended or defensive during your conversations with your spouse.
Be specific in your expressions of feelings of bitterness, resentment, disappointments or disapprovals by not generalizing your statements or attacking your spouse.
Instead, be very specific about what you are feeling. Make sure you are on the same page and don’t try to assume that your spouse feels or thinks a certain way about a situation. Always air on the side of caution and ask.
We all make mistakes and it’s only when you begin to look at your spouse through the lens of compassion that you can get a sense of who they really are at their core and what makes them tick.
Understand that you are a chapter in your spouse’s book of life.
What does that mean?
That means you have to recognize that your spouse has had their own journey and experiences in life that have shaped the way they think and feel about certain things before you came along.
Which means In order to get a better understanding of where your spouse is coming from you have to understand either what they have been through or what they are going through, and that requires a sense of compassion and a deliberate determination to agree to disagree in order to get down to the root cause of the argument.
By doing so it allows you to actively address whatever conflicts, wounds, hurts, and frustrations that are present before they escalate into more deep-rooted issues.
What does it mean to agree to disagree?
I’m glad you asked.
It means your not going to always see eye to eye or agree on a basic day to day tasks or even major life issues so you have to reach a common ground or a midline between the two points that address both of your desires and concerns. Try to remember that what brought the two of you together was your individuality.
Arguments are healthy in a marriage as long as you remember to fight far. often times when we get into a heated argument or disagreement with our spouse we quickly forget our love for them and where our loyalty lies.
You have to remember that just because you have a fight doesn’t mean that the relationship is over stoop taking it to the extreme.
Finally….
3: Keep others out of your arguments
It’s understandable to want to let off some steam or solicit advice from friends or family for a solution to your problem. Sometimes you might just need a listening ear or some justification for your point of view.
The problem with that is once you put your business out there your friends and family can not un-hear the negative information you tell them about your spouse, which is most likely inflated because you’re trying to get some sympathy and convert them to your point of view.
When you’re having an argument with your spouse that is not the time to become the town crier. Calling every and anyone trying to plead your case. This only adds fuel to the fire and not only damages your spouse’s reputation but can alienate your spouse and create an atmosphere of distrust in the marriage.
Why is this a problem?
I’m glad you asked.
The biggest destroyer of marriages are negative seeds and influences that are planted by others in your marriage either intentional or unintentional. Your spouse should be treated like your best friend. They should be your ride or die, or as Meredith Grey on greys anatomy would say your person.
When you have your person your connection, secretes, conversations, interaction whether good or bad should be like fort knocks. No one gets in, No one gets out, No one gets the skinny. Its either you work it out, cry it out, or dance it, but regardless of your approach, you do it together.
Why? Because ….
When you bring others into an argument between you and your spouse you also bring their opinions, experiences, biases, and judgments along with it good and bad and unless you have someone in your life who is advocating for your marriage most often than not they will infuse their own negativity and bias in the situation making it worse.
The consequence is that that negativity stays with you, your friends or your family member even after you and your spouse make up, but despite the fix, your spouse will be seen in a negative light forever.
What that does is violate the trust between you and your spouse. this act of bringing others into the argument basically undermines the trust in your marriage and can make your spouse feel betrayed.
What’s the take away from this?
I am glad you asked.
Marriage requires thoughtful and intentional deliberation. You can not assume that once you get married it’s going to be fairy tails and happy endings.
It takes conscious intentional and consistent work!
Being intentional means investing in your marriage. Marriage is a lifelong adventure filled with triumphs and defeats, and all married couples will experience different seasons but you have to be committed to making it work.
It’s all about choices.
You have to choose to be happy, you have to choose to work together, you have to choose to have peace, and you have to choose to build up your marriage and not tear it down. You make those choices through your daily decisions and responses.
The bottom line is that you have the power and capability to build a strong and indestructible marriage by renewing the spirit of love, accepting each other’s individuality, maintaining peace between the two of you, and creating and a strong bond together.
What are you doing to strengthen your marriage?
What steps have you taken to deescalate an argument?
What do you struggle with when it comes to communicating with your spouse?
tile next time.
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